Deep Void

I was so sure that life would be better after we moved. I for one was happy to be away from the day to day of dealing with my mom. She had become quite a handful.

Culture shock to say the least. We moved to a town of 1000 people and there had been 1100 in my graduating class. I was used to stores being open 24/7 and I learned the store, well the whole town except for the bars closed at 6 pm.

We moved in the fall of 1976 and by early 1977, I had great news, I was pregnant. I was thrilled and so was Mark. Now, I will say that this did kinda fill that deep void, not completely, but I had something wonderful to think about. While I was preparing for baby, Mark was getting into riding motorcycles and his friends were bikers.

This time of peace would end the day I gave birth. My son died 3 hours after he was born. To look at him no one would have known there was anything wrong with him. I had him on his due date. The only thing that got me through was I wanted to be strong for Mark and knowing that my son went on to be with his heavenly Father. I know now that God held me in his arms through this tragedy. At that time I was numb. That deep void swallowed me.

Well, bikers like to party and I had a black hole to fill, so the parties started. I didn't party very long at this point, because I ended up being sick and then discovering I was pregnant again. Was I happy? Yes and no. I was scared to death. It had only been a few months since my son's death. Emotionally I was a wreck. Then I ended up having to have surgery. I was only about 8 weeks along. The Dr. said I could lose the baby during surgery. I didn't and I had a daughter 8 days shy of my son's birthday. My daughter was a gift from God. But, the deep void, black hole was still there and the parties began. We only partied on the weekends, and that is what I lived for. Now I was a good mom. My daughter was well cared for. She stayed with her grandma most weekends. Mark worked out of town all week and was only home on the weekends. So, party we did.This went on for the next 5 years.

When my daughter turned 3, I sent her to Sunday School, mainly because my mother-in-law, thought I should and my friends sent their kids. One Sunday she asked why she had to go if I didn't have to go. So, I started going to church. Now, the partying hadn't stopped, in fact it was worse than ever. I was on a one way trip to the deepest darkest pit of my life. During this time I had another baby. A boy another gift from God . It was at this time some wonderful women at that church, invited me to a Bible study. I started going. What was being said at church and at Bible study started making sense to me. At this point I was on the verge of a divorce and losing my kids. The Bible study we were doing was called "Know the Truth" I accepted Christ at that Bible study.Jesus pulled me from the pit. I had no where else to go,but up to his loving arms.
Now, this was scary for me and yet easy. And guess what, that deep black void, started closing.

Now, here I would like to say the rest is history, but this is where my life begins anew. Now of course there was a lot of other stuff, I just hit the highlights for back ground.

I would like to say my journey began here, but it actually began, before I was born Psalm 139: 13-16. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. I praise you, because I am fearfully an wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth. your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. This scripture brings me a peace and joy, just to know that God knew me before I was ever born. He knew everyone of us.

To summarize I have been verbally and sexually abused, a battered wife, a divorcee, I have lost a child and have done things that I am totally ashamed of. I have survived it all because of God's grace. Because his son Jesus died, to save me and others.

The only thing left of the deep black void, is a small crack and I seek God to fill that.

I will continue to share how God has changed my life.